The Hidden Weight of Being “Strong”
“You’re so strong.” “I wish I could be as strong as you.” “I know I can always depend on you because I can’t handle what you do.” “Suck it up, you need to be strong.” “Failure is not an option.” “Stay positive.”
These are phrases many who bear the label of “the strong one” have heard throughout life. Being the strong one is a blessing and a curse: a blessing because you are emotionally self-reliant and able to face life’s challenges, and a curse because that becomes your default, creating an abundance of unfair pressure.
Most who identify with being the “strong one” were the eldest or only child in their family, were parentified, or raised by a single parent, or they became the strong one because they only received praise for achievement, toughness, or resilience. Others earned the label by stuffing their pain, stress, or trauma, and by dissociating to protect themselves from vulnerability.
Why We Celebrate the Strong and Overlook the Rest
Have you ever noticed how society praises perfectionists, workaholics, or those who “can handle anything”? Why do we glamorize spreading ourselves so thin that we become emotionally drained? How did we create a system that rewards the “bulletproof” strong while ignoring their humanity?
And then we wonder why we have a global mental health crisis.
Living in Survival Mode: Fight, Flight, or Freeze
Some of the strong ones go through life with undiagnosed anxiety, OCD, or trauma-related disorders simply from the cycle of unrealistic expectations placed on them. This puts them at higher risk of a nervous or mental breakdown.
When faced with threat, real or chronic, the nervous system goes into survival mode: fight, flight, or freeze. The strong ones often default into “fight,” but for them, fight doesn’t always look like aggression. It looks like high achievement, relentless work, and constant competition. They feel they must succeed because not succeeding would strip them of their title.
Inside, they are at war with themselves: the drive to be impervious, the longing to just rest. They never learned how to be human with their own vulnerability.
You Are Not Alone, and You Don’t Have to Carry It Alone
Do you identify as the strong one in your world? If yes, please know you are not alone. Many carry the core belief, “I don’t need help,” or simply don’t know how to ask for it because they were forced early on to help themselves. Maybe they received no support, or their vulnerability was held against them when they needed help.
If you’ve spent your life being the strong one, you deserve permission to rest. You deserve a place where you don’t have to carry the weight alone. For those around you who don’t identify this way, please remember that the strong ones are human, too. They are not immune to pain, stress, or trauma. They need safe spaces to be vulnerable and to be okay with “not okay.”
Takeaway Questions for Reflection
- What does it mean for you not to be the strong one for a time?
- Where in your life are you constantly “in fight mode,” and what would rest look like instead?
- Who can you let in, ask for help, or invite into your vulnerability?
About the Author
Stefania Vaccaro, MA is a Registered Clinical Mental Health Counselor in Florida. She holds a master’s degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Liberty University and is a National Certified Recovery Coach with over ten years of experience working with individuals and families in active addiction and recovery. Stefania also has a background as a performing arts director and educator in special education, English & Literature, and psychology. She currently teaches high school English and American Literature at a private school while offering psychotherapy at Breaking Free Services. As a divergent artist with a continued thirst for knowledge, Stefania is pursuing an MFA in Creative Writing and working toward full licensure.